I watched the first episode of Vinyl last night. It’s gone into the past to capture the rawness of Rock n Roll. With Burn I’ve gone to a time where the act of rediscovery is rekindling that rawness.  Here’s a wee bit just because I’m thinking about it now.  As ever, this comes with an adult content warning.

I find myself staring in the mirror in the toilets. Women in all colours flow round me, chattering like a symphony of birds to my ears.  I am pretty fucking drunk, this I am fully aware of, but I’m still totally steady on my feet and more than notionally in charge of my actions. I need a bit of thinking time, I need to analyse what is actually happening to me tonight.  I have a sense of the pivotal nature of everything that’s happened today.  We found a musical vibe that I just know will blow away the kind of folks who hang at places like the Rainbow.  We are going to blow bands like the one still strutting their stuff on the stage upstairs out of the fucking ballpark.  I felt it in the way we gelled together and grooved together.  I felt it in the electric, erotic vibe between Zack and me.  I can picture us, back to back under a bright spotlight, my voice and his guitar twined into one sinuous, utterly sexual howl, turning on thousands of faceless bodies in a packed stadium crowd in front of us, and I know it’s going to happen.  But I can also picture us, in the hot darkness of the night, bodies joined, moving and souls burning together while the sweat is slick on our skin, and I know that is going to happen too. And I’ll tell y’all this now, I have never wanted any man like I’ve wanted Zack.
Yet, in spite of all my certainty, I’m afraid.  We can make magic, real fucking powerful magic that will change the lives of thousands of people, but I know it’s going to come at a cost.   The magic I can feel sparking like tinder between Zack and I is going to blow the whole fucking world away, I can feel that knowledge pulsing in my blood like it’s a fucking hormone; a rock n roll hormone that being near him floods my brain and body with. Still, I know that shit is going to come at a cost.  I wash my face in the cold water, trying to douse myself in clarity, but I’m burning up inside with the possibility.  I start to reapply my make up, trying to rebuild my sense of control with each stroke. My hands are steady, my heart is beating strong and slowly, but somewhere inside I’m trembling.     I just need to reach out now and seize my dream, but I’ve suddenly had my first glance at the bill and the price is scary.  I mentally close my eyes, take a deep breath and decide to say fuck it to fear.  The prize just has to be worth the cost. I look myself in the eye then and smile, proud of the ballsy bitch I am.  It’s almost a shame, when two minutes later, Zack completely fucking undoes me in a dark corner of the corridor.

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